I never thought I was hands on with this parenting thing, often having a feeling of what if there is more or what if I am doing it wrong.
Also, knowing I didn’t want to handle it the way my parents did most of the time (no judging…anymore 😉, just saying it out loud without feeling guilty now), I decided to dig deep and get into some parenting programs and follow some people and pages that make sense to me and are in tune with how I want to raise my child.
I have no intention to advertise these parenting programs or pages, it’s a choice for every parent how they raise their child. I do want to talk about what they have in common, which is working on yourself as a parent/human being. It’s probably 90% work with yourself and 10% with the child, if not more than 90%.
Working with yourself is a lot about working on your emotions, your patience, your sense of humor, assessing your values and principles, cleaning up all your closets, so to speak. Because if there is one thing children tend to do when they enter your life is they start “opening” all the doors of your well locked closets( or so you thought, at least).
It feels as if they are like: ” Hmmm… I wonder what is behind this door?” and bang, throw some food all over the kitchen and on you, cause you were in sight, obviously. And the first time it happens you laugh, right? ” Oh, so cute, look how well he coordinated his hand.” And the kid’s brain goes:” Hey, the response is good. Mommy is amused, I’ll make a note to do it again, daily, 3 meals and at least 3 snacks a day, ’cause I love to see mommy happy.” However, as I came to find out, I am not happy cleaning furniture, floors, kid’s table so many times a day and I don’t laugh anymore.
And it’s not on the kid to solve the issue, it’s my issue and I have to solve it, because I hate messy kitchens, I don’t particularly enjoy cleaning as an activity in the house, so I try to keep it as clean as possible, and the kid didn’t receive this memo, so I need to work on conveying the right message to him with patience and warmth, instead of yelling and suffering and no explanation included. Or, accept that children make a lot of mess and I should just enjoy the time spent with him. Yeah, good luck with that, Olive.
This is the easy example, but parents know there are plenty other situations out there, where the closets are so full and heavy that when children start opening them, hell breaks loose. And that is where the work with yourself comes in, because when you start cleaning the closet(s), sorting out what you need, what is must have and nice to have, what is so “out of fashion” that needs to be thrown away, you get peace and you stay calm and you are present.
Of all the cleanups though, the one your child triggers just might have to be the most thorough of all, because your child is in tune with your energy as a mother in the first years of life, the relationship with his mother is the relationship with himself and you want your child to grow up a responsible, independent, high self-esteem person to begin with.
So, start cleaning and have faith you are not the only one doing it. Clean for you, your child and for a clean life in general. As with all cleanups, it is messy at first, but once you start, you already see things differently.
My cleaning consists mainly of writing, it’s what worked best for me. And when I write, I want to understand what emotions trigger my reactions and where do they come from. It comes with great relief and satisfaction when this happens and sometimes it comes from things that I’ve denied in my head for years or never have come across as a potential root cause.